Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
