She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
