Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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