I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
