so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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