I think I won the penis lottery.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
