my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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