I just pynch a tree in the face
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
