I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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