When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
