Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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