my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
