update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
