My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
