Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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