So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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