i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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