3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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