I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
