I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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