so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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