In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
