i think my tv is drunk
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
vagina is talking i cant
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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