The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
