If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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