I must be too annoying 4 u.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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