The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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