I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
