she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
