dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
