I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
