Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
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My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
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Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When are your genitals available?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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