Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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