Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I supernannyed him into submission
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
