I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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