My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
