I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
