so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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