Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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