she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
