And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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