Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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