I wanna bring you to show and tell
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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