forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
