I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
