just tell him i said nine months
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
