I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm eating all of the evidence.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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