Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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