today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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