got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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