I am puke
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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