The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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