i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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