I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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