this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
