He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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