I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
