Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I can't turn off my feet"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
