You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
