Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
